The past year has been a lot. I faced some of my worst fears and I’m thankful that I’m still here. I know that I can speak for the majority of us when I say that 2020 was a horrible year. But even with everything that happened over the past year, the past few months have been the hardest. I fear that harder times may be ahead of me, but I’m keeping faith in the process and I’m still hopeful for the best.
Things were meant to be different around this time. We had a plan, and things looked like they were on track. There were warning signs, but I had no real clue how bad things had gotten. When you throw in COVID, family and relationship issues, on top of Dad and BF duties plus teleworking it could be overwhelming. I was so burned out towards the end I was just drinking and playing video games. It’s been hard to be normal let alone happy and creative during this time, and I’ll admit that I’ve been really hard on myself about it. I still wanted to work on all my passions, it was just getting harder and harder to do the work. I still loved my family, I was just unable to show them how much. I had let my stress and anxiety take over and my occasional vices became daily habits. I let the fun die. But to make the situation worse, I didn’t know that this had been going on longer than the past year. In fact, I was so blind to everything that I didn’t notice that I had been like this even before COVID, and even before 2020.
Eventually I was put on notice. I was called out on my bullshit and I got hurt about it. I made things about me, and how upset I was. I was mad that I caused the majority of the problems, simply because I didn’t put in the effort. I made decisions that I regret, and as a result of those decisions I can never go back and the future is uncertain. Instead of stepping up and fixing things, I made things worse. It kills me.
Now the plan has changed. Things are okay on the day to day, but eventually things will change. Eventually I will be forced to face even more of my fears, but this time I have to do it alone. The original plan continues for some, and a new plan is made for others. I’m others.
So I’m writing again. I’m playing guitar and making music again. I’m trying to smile and be happy while embracing the change. I’m doing what I can to stay focused on healing and fixing myself in the hopes of returning to my family a better version of myself. One they truly deserve. I’m putting that effort I should have, and at the same time preparing for the goodbye. Holding on, but knowing I have to let go.