I’ve been trying to get into doing music again. This track is something new I recently completed. Funny story, I don’t completely remember editing this video, not to mention posting it. I may have had a few drinks, I lost some sober time to that slip. I only noticed the video was up when a Spam comment was flagged.

I personally wanted to release this in a more professional manner, but you have to roll with it sometimes. I hope you enjoy the new song, and take a listen. Shout out to the producer @Yada Beats who produced the original track.

So anyway…I really hope you enjoy the new song! 🙂

Sometimes things change and you don’t know if you can keep up. Things feel odd, different, and everything is upside down. But eventually, time does pass and you become accustomed to the change. Things start to become normal and you start to get comfortable. It’s a hard process, and it’s still new. I’m only just beginning, and I’m already struggling. But as time goes, things get easier.

It’s my first week with my son, after my first week without him. I’m about three weeks into my new routine and things are starting to settle. Somewhat. I still have negative thoughts about this and that, and it’s hard to erase them from my mind. But I force myself to change my outlook and become more positive. Sometimes I have to just forget about things completely.

“Either outcome I need to accept accountability for my actions and choose to be better.”

Self-Discipline is the ability to do things that you don’t want to do, and I’m doing more things that I don’t want to do. In the end, I want to be better. I want to learn how to prevent this from happening again. I may or may not be able to save my former relationship. Only time will tell, and we need a lot of time. Either outcome I need to accept accountability for my actions and choose to be better. I need to actually put in the work and get better. It has to happen. It’s too late in my life to continue like this, I need to make the change.

So I’m letting the changes happen. I’m no longer fighting it. I choose to accept this time as it is; an opportunity to learn from my mistakes and become a better man. I’m ready…

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Sometimes, we can’t see something simply because our mind won’t let us. We block out warning signs, we ignore bad behavior and we continue actions that harm us. Sometimes this goes on for a short time, and hopefully we catch on in time. But sometimes this goes on for months or even worse, years or longer.

We ignore the red flags sometimes because we’re afraid that they are telling the truth. It’s hard, and often painful to accept the truth, and most of the time we don’t want to face it. So we ignore the red flags because we don’t want to face the truth of the situation. If we did face the truth, it would mean that we would have to change everything that was once so close to us. We would have to face the fact that our lovers and partners moved on, and now we are left to find a new path. And that’s hard, it’s hard as fuck. So it’s easier to ignore these signs and tell yourself a lie.

“We ignore gut feelings, the signs of disconnection, inappropriate conversations or online posts, and foggy details.”

While we continue to convince ourselves of this lie, we begin to delude ourselves even further by doubting our intuition. We tell ourselves that we’re just being jealous, that we’re being paranoid and insecure. Our partners would never do that to us right? We ignore gut feelings, the signs of disconnection, inappropriate conversations or online posts, and foggy details. We begin to assume that we are “crazy” and once they explain their side of the story we feel guilty for those feelings. Blocking your own intuition is never a good sign, and if you find yourself repressing your own intuition please be careful because this is dangerous territory.

This one is the hardest I find. We ignore the warning signs because we are taught that relationships and marriages are hard work. We are taught that you have to fight to make things work, and that eventually things get smoother along the way. You hear stories about grandparents that were married for over 50 years and how they maintained their relationship with hard work and determination. Although I can agree that if something is important to you, you should fight for it, (Fight like hell actually). But sadly sometimes it’s just not worth developing unhealthy attachments or causing more damage to your self worth and mental health.

“ask yourself if you are ready to repair the situations or begin the process of healing.”

As much as it hurts, after a while it’s not a matter of what you didn’t see or chose to ignore. It becomes a matter of what you allowed to happen in the first place. We have to ask ourselves if we are brave enough to see these red flags and if we are willing to speak out. Lastly you have to ask yourself if you are ready to repair the situations or begin the process of healing.

Just thinking out loud here guys. Still trying to face my own problems at the moment. I hope this helps someone out there. Have a good night, cheers.

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The past year has been a lot. I faced some of my worst fears and I’m thankful that I’m still here. I know that I can speak for the majority of us when I say that 2020 was a horrible year. But even with everything that happened over the past year, the past few months have been the hardest. I fear that harder times may be ahead of me, but I’m keeping faith in the process and I’m still hopeful for the best.

Things were meant to be different around this time. We had a plan, and things looked like they were on track. There were warning signs, but I had no real clue how bad things had gotten. When you throw in COVID, family and relationship issues, on top of Dad and BF duties plus teleworking it could be overwhelming. I was so burned out towards the end I was just drinking and playing video games. It’s been hard to be normal let alone happy and creative during this time, and I’ll admit that I’ve been really hard on myself about it. I still wanted to work on all my passions, it was just getting harder and harder to do the work. I still loved my family, I was just unable to show them how much. I had let my stress and anxiety take over and my occasional vices became daily habits. I let the fun die. But to make the situation worse, I didn’t know that this had been going on longer than the past year. In fact, I was so blind to everything that I didn’t notice that I had been like this even before COVID, and even before 2020.

“I was mad that I caused the majority of the problems, simply because I didn’t put in the effort.”

Eventually I was put on notice. I was called out on my bullshit and I got hurt about it. I made things about me, and how upset I was. I was mad that I caused the majority of the problems, simply because I didn’t put in the effort. I made decisions that I regret, and as a result of those decisions I can never go back and the future is uncertain. Instead of stepping up and fixing things, I made things worse. It kills me.

Now the plan has changed. Things are okay on the day to day, but eventually things will change. Eventually I will be forced to face even more of my fears, but this time I have to do it alone. The original plan continues for some, and a new plan is made for others. I’m others.

So I’m writing again. I’m playing guitar and making music again. I’m trying to smile and be happy while embracing the change. I’m doing what I can to stay focused on healing and fixing myself in the hopes of returning to my family a better version of myself. One they truly deserve. I’m putting that effort I should have, and at the same time preparing for the goodbye. Holding on, but knowing I have to let go.

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