Sometimes things change and you don’t know if you can keep up. Things feel odd, different, and everything is upside down. But eventually, time does pass and you become accustomed to the change. Things start to become normal and you start to get comfortable. It’s a hard process, and it’s still new. I’m only just beginning, and I’m already struggling. But as time goes, things get easier.
It’s my first week with my son, after my first week without him. I’m about three weeks into my new routine and things are starting to settle. Somewhat. I still have negative thoughts about this and that, and it’s hard to erase them from my mind. But I force myself to change my outlook and become more positive. Sometimes I have to just forget about things completely.
Self-Discipline is the ability to do things that you don’t want to do, and I’m doing more things that I don’t want to do. In the end, I want to be better. I want to learn how to prevent this from happening again. I may or may not be able to save my former relationship. Only time will tell, and we need a lot of time. Either outcome I need to accept accountability for my actions and choose to be better. I need to actually put in the work and get better. It has to happen. It’s too late in my life to continue like this, I need to make the change.
So I’m letting the changes happen. I’m no longer fighting it. I choose to accept this time as it is; an opportunity to learn from my mistakes and become a better man. I’m ready…
Sometimes, we can’t see something simply because our mind won’t let us. We block out warning signs, we ignore bad behavior and we continue actions that harm us. Sometimes this goes on for a short time, and hopefully we catch on in time. But sometimes this goes on for months or even worse, years or longer.
We ignore the red flags sometimes because we’re afraid that they are telling the truth. It’s hard, and often painful to accept the truth, and most of the time we don’t want to face it. So we ignore the red flags because we don’t want to face the truth of the situation. If we did face the truth, it would mean that we would have to change everything that was once so close to us. We would have to face the fact that our lovers and partners moved on, and now we are left to find a new path. And that’s hard, it’s hard as fuck. So it’s easier to ignore these signs and tell yourself a lie.
While we continue to convince ourselves of this lie, we begin to delude ourselves even further by doubting our intuition. We tell ourselves that we’re just being jealous, that we’re being paranoid and insecure. Our partners would never do that to us right? We ignore gut feelings, the signs of disconnection, inappropriate conversations or online posts, and foggy details. We begin to assume that we are “crazy” and once they explain their side of the story we feel guilty for those feelings. Blocking your own intuition is never a good sign, and if you find yourself repressing your own intuition please be careful because this is dangerous territory.
This one is the hardest I find. We ignore the warning signs because we are taught that relationships and marriages are hard work. We are taught that you have to fight to make things work, and that eventually things get smoother along the way. You hear stories about grandparents that were married for over 50 years and how they maintained their relationship with hard work and determination. Although I can agree that if something is important to you, you should fight for it, (Fight like hell actually). But sadly sometimes it’s just not worth developing unhealthy attachments or causing more damage to your self worth and mental health.
As much as it hurts, after a while it’s not a matter of what you didn’t see or chose to ignore. It becomes a matter of what you allowed to happen in the first place. We have to ask ourselves if we are brave enough to see these red flags and if we are willing to speak out. Lastly you have to ask yourself if you are ready to repair the situations or begin the process of healing.
Just thinking out loud here guys. Still trying to face my own problems at the moment. I hope this helps someone out there. Have a good night, cheers.
The past year has been a lot. I faced some of my worst fears and I’m thankful that I’m still here. I know that I can speak for the majority of us when I say that 2020 was a horrible year. But even with everything that happened over the past year, the past few months have been the hardest. I fear that harder times may be ahead of me, but I’m keeping faith in the process and I’m still hopeful for the best.
Things were meant to be different around this time. We had a plan, and things looked like they were on track. There were warning signs, but I had no real clue how bad things had gotten. When you throw in COVID, family and relationship issues, on top of Dad and BF duties plus teleworking it could be overwhelming. I was so burned out towards the end I was just drinking and playing video games. It’s been hard to be normal let alone happy and creative during this time, and I’ll admit that I’ve been really hard on myself about it. I still wanted to work on all my passions, it was just getting harder and harder to do the work. I still loved my family, I was just unable to show them how much. I had let my stress and anxiety take over and my occasional vices became daily habits. I let the fun die. But to make the situation worse, I didn’t know that this had been going on longer than the past year. In fact, I was so blind to everything that I didn’t notice that I had been like this even before COVID, and even before 2020.
Eventually I was put on notice. I was called out on my bullshit and I got hurt about it. I made things about me, and how upset I was. I was mad that I caused the majority of the problems, simply because I didn’t put in the effort. I made decisions that I regret, and as a result of those decisions I can never go back and the future is uncertain. Instead of stepping up and fixing things, I made things worse. It kills me.
Now the plan has changed. Things are okay on the day to day, but eventually things will change. Eventually I will be forced to face even more of my fears, but this time I have to do it alone. The original plan continues for some, and a new plan is made for others. I’m others.
So I’m writing again. I’m playing guitar and making music again. I’m trying to smile and be happy while embracing the change. I’m doing what I can to stay focused on healing and fixing myself in the hopes of returning to my family a better version of myself. One they truly deserve. I’m putting that effort I should have, and at the same time preparing for the goodbye. Holding on, but knowing I have to let go.
Hey guys, I want to start today’s edition off by saying, “Love yourself”. Love yourself and care for your own mental, physical and spiritual health! These days it’s easy to get lost in all the negative vibes. It wears us out and it keeps us in a low-energy, depressed mood that not only affects us but the people around us. Now is the time to regroup and focus on truly loving yourself.
We all get down on ourselves, and sometimes we get stuck in a rut. It’s not your fault tho! This culture that we’ve created for ourselves wants us this way! Social media and corporate news is constantly feeding you fear and strife. The entertainment industry bombards us with dreams of lives we may never live, and keeps us chasing dreams that will never really fulfill us. All while the Federal Government keeps dividing it’s citizens and pushing towards totalitarian like control. And here we are, normal people, just wanting to live our lives and provide a good life for our families. It’s easy to see why we’re stressed and our bodies and relationships are falling apart!
So I say please take the time to help yourself get rid of all these toxic vibes! Clean your house, clean our your phone contacts, TAKE TIME OFF! Make sure to do the things that once made you happy and that once motivated you! Hit the gym, read a new book and most importantly pray and spend time with your loved ones.
Look at what events or actions that may have gotten you to this point in time. Some can be good, and some can be bad. You must embrace the good moments and to forgive yourself for the bad. Forgiveness is often thought of as something to help the person (or situation) that has wronged you move on. But it’s actually to help yourself let go of any negative feelings that you may be holding inside that prevents you from moving on.
With this in mind, can you think of anything or anyone that you have not forgiven? Maybe yourself? Have you held on to something bad you may have done in the past? Does this affect you in a significant way? If it does then it’s time to forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up about it! Forgiveness is hard, especially when we have to forgive ourselves. We want to hold on to the guilt so it can remind us that we really are bad people. But this is SO not the case! We want to hold on to this delusion that we are bad people so we can fool ourselves into thinking we deserve to suffer. That we truly don’t deserve to be happy! We need to forgive ourselves for everything that we have done, and reshape our minds to look for the positive even in negative situations. Think of everything action as a lesson to learn.
Once you have made the decision to to forgive yourself, actually do it. Say to yourself that you will no longer dwell on negative thoughts, and you will no longer take pleasure in the negative actions you once did. Tell yourself that you are going to do a complete 180 turn from your previous ways and that you will no longer damage yourself! But not only that, be easy on yourself. You’re starting out on this amazing new journey and you may stumble along the way. So remember to forgive yourself for that as well, you’re only human!
Finally, once you have decided that you need to love yourself more, and that you can forgive yourself for whatever has gotten you to this place, you need to heal yourself. Healing can be a difficult process, but it is something that we need to do if we want to be at peace. It can come in many different forms as well. Healing can be as simple as hot shower at the end of the day, or going to bed an extra half hour early to feel more rested. Or it can be as complex as starting a new diet and exercise schedule, seeking professional and spiritual help, or even physical therapy or surgery for things we may have neglected. Whatever path you may choose, let it be a path that leads you to repair any trauma or toxic tendencies you may be holing on to.
One last thought, be honest with yourself. Be honest with the person you want to become and be honest about the things you like and what you don’t like. Now is the time to learn from the past, and create a better version of yourself. So be honest with yourself about who you want to be, and don’t be afraid to change. Lastly, take action! Make sure to truly begin this process. Don’t halfheartedly start this process and expect to fail later on. Have faith and do the work.
I hope this helps someone out there. Things are tough nowadays, and we need to be as strong as ever. Until next time, make sure to follow the blog and leave a like on this post. Cheers!